I was 25 when I learned how to NOT get what I want, and why that was one of the best lessons I’ve ever learned.
…because as children we master the art of getting what we want, and when we don’t get what we want, we have to learn how to not get what we want, with hopefully more grace than a 2yr old.
How do we handle disappointment? Rejection?
At 25, I met (we’ll call him) George. We worked together, flirted together, talked together, and even hung out after work together (as friends). But any hopes of a real date or a relationship with him was out of the question.
This brick wall was new to me.
But I didn’t want to take the route that I saw some of my girlfriends go down, “Why doesn’t he want me?” Nope, that rabbit hole wasn’t for me, because all I saw was their ensuing misery.
Instead I asked myself, ‘Why do I want him?‘
He was confident; not the cocky kind, but he had an easy and calm, self-aware confidence about him that was very attractive.
Then one night we were hanging out, stopping by some Chinese place for dinner after work, and he was bold and honest about why he wouldn’t date me. He had just ended a long relationship, which I knew, but he knew himself well enough that he said, “I would just use you…to get over my relationship, and I like you too much to do that.”
It could’ve been a line, but here we are, 20+ yrs later and still friends.
In fact, we ended up roommates shortly after that Chinese dinner and never again could I see him as any more than a wonderful friend. We shared secrets. We agreed on the same super hot temperature in our apartment. We celebrated a couple of Thanksgivings together as friends who felt more like family.
And I’ll never forget what this taught me.
Not getting what we want can sometimes be the door to getting what we REALLY want (and need), simply by asking, why we want that certain thing (or person). Usually because it represents how we want to feel.
I liked him because he was…
I obviously needed more of that in my life.
Was he the only route to getting that? No! There were multiple ways to cultivate those feelings.
And so I did.
Ask yourself right now what it is you really want.
Why do you want it?
And how would it make you feel?
When you don’t get what you want, do you tend to focus on the feelings that follow like disappointment, rejection, and low self worth statements? Do you focus on how you don’t want to feel?
We spend a lot of waking hours (and sleepless nights) figuring out how to get what we want so that we can feel the way we want.
Instead, reflect on what feelings, getting what you want, represents. You’ll reduce a lot of the hassle involved in striving for unnecessary things, which means you’ll narrow your focus down to the things (and people) you REALLY want in your life, the ones that resonate with your purpose, potential, and values.
You can use both your conscious mind and subconscious mind to activate feelings.
Conscious: Write down how what you want would make you feel. Brainstorm other ways and other things that would also make you feel that way.
Subconscious: Meditate on those feelings a few minutes each day- even if it’s just sitting in your car an extra 2 minutes. Take one of those feelings, close your eyes, and notice if you can bring that feeling up, memories that help you feel it. What does that feeling mean to you? Is it associated with your values? With something else you’re lacking right now?
Introducing Therapeutic Imagery: If you want to get to the root of your problems and learn how to move forward, well, you have all the answers. Yes! Nobody knows you better than your subconscious mind.
Therapeutic imagery speaks the language of your subconscious. The imagination. Using your imagination in the specific way of Therapeutic Imagery is a powerful tool to access your internal resources.
I’ve been doing Therapeutic Imagery with clients for over two years now, with great results. Since the Coronavirus pandemic, I’ve been more motivated than ever to bring many of my face-to-face services online. Testing out how everything translates to the online avenue of therapy, through the use of audio recordings. With more good results, I’ll begin to offer these next month (October)!
How does it work? We all have an imagination. Therapeutic Imagery uses subconscious journeys to process and bring about change gradually. Since you’ll be using your imagination, images and feelings will arise freely from the subconscious. The images that come are important, sometimes surprising, but always useful and meaningful to the changes and answers you seek.
The journey continues as you answer various questions (now included in the audio recordings) that help you discover about the images and symbols that arise. The meaning and understanding of these images make deep connections to the subconscious to reinforce, suggest, and associate new positive behavior, thoughts, beliefs and actions.
You simply can’t get this kind of insight through traditional therapy, and it’s in the comfort of your own home! (More announcements to come)
Peace and Be Well,