Thanks for joining me again this Monday for setting healthy boundaries. Last week I discussed how important boundaries are and how to set them. Read here: How To Set Healthy Boundaries.

When it comes to boundaries, people are confused about what kind of boundaries they need in order to thrive, let alone how to set those boundaries with especially difficult people.

There’s two parts to the boundary-setting process.

First recognizing your own needs…this is how you know what boundaries to set. Clear needs equal clear boundaries!

When you’ve ignored your needs (health, self care, emotional needs) for a long time, you lose touch with them. It can be difficult to set a boundary when you’re unclear about your own needs. Sometimes you don’t feel like you’ve been stepped on (or a boundary has been crossed) until after the fact when you’re flat out exhausted and resentful.

Secondly to the process is the dirty work- setting the boundary and communicating it to others. This is what people dread, but I have a good pre-step that softens the blow.

I know it can feel intimidating when we view boundaries as having to pick a battle. Not to mention assertiveness may not be your strong trait, especially if you’ve been taught assertive communication is “mean” or that putting your needs above others’ needs is selfish. Squash that!

Instead, let me explain boundaries in a way that only involves YOU for right now. This is a much easier pill to swallow. You don’t have to face that especially stubborn person just yet.

It’s all about you! Keep in mind, when you get healthy, your environment starts to change too. The people around you start to shift in ways that attract them or repel them- that depends on how healthy they are. You will attract healthy people and repel unhealthy.

I’m amazed at how people go to great lengths to learn “self” help strategies, but try and change everyone else around them. That’s not how it works. So I’ll say it again, boundaries are about YOU. Most self help is about you. It is not ‘How to change others’.

The first step in the process is about recognizing your needs. I’d say this is the hardest part because you may have ignored them for years now. Once you’re clear about what you need and want, communicating that to others is actually pretty straightforward.

For this, go back to when you learned that your needs weren’t important. Who taught you that? Was it a theme in your family? Was a lack of boundaries a sign of love?

I’m a fan of root cause type of self-awareness and going back to where it all started so you can see who screwed the pooch and messed up your notion of meeting your needs. When you go back with adult insight, you can see how ridiculous some of the things you were taught are. When was it that you learned to bend over backwards to be pleasing to others…for the sake of your parents image? Or maybe your parents had so many needs that yours were overlooked?

Going forward, note what you need to be healthy and thrive. What do you need to feel like you matter? To feel worthy? Start simple with a list of your needs and wants. This doesn’t mean you get all of them; it means you know EXACTLY what you are advocating for. This is a great starting point for pinpointing your needs in relation to the boundaries you must set.

If you haven’t set many boundaries in the past, your needs will be high at first just to get back to a place of health and healing.

And onto setting boundaries. Start with yourself. Yes! Set boundaries with yourself. I explained this in last week’s blog post.

Make mini commitments to yourself in the form of boundaries that protect your wellbeing. It may also resemble self-discipline (self-boundaries). Committing to what makes you healthy such as not answering the phone at certain times, 2 hours max at a social event, not over-booking yourself, uninterrupted meditation or relaxation time, following through on something in particular that you really want. That is setting boundaries with yourself. Once you set a few small boundaries with yourself, move on to other people. You’ll be coming from a place of empowerment!

A quick visualization I use…imagine you are a sought-after CEO of a prestigious company. You are behind your desk, only taking important calls and meetings. You can be choosy about who you give your time to. You are that important! You also have someone in an office outside of yours, a loyal assistant, who screens your calls and runs everything by you first. This person acts as a filter, a middle-man/woman who buys you time to decide whether this person or that person gets your time or not. And you don’t mind making people wait until you’ve decided what you want to do. You can think about what you want to do first and then give the command. You are in charge of your time and energy!

Above all, setting healthy boundaries takes practice.

The single most important tool for a healthy life is setting healthy boundaries. Boundaries protect your physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual wellbeing.

Please enjoy this relaxing journey into your subconscious. Since this is a 20 min (full length) meditation (23 including intro), I’ve included timestamps below that help explain why the longer length is for your benefit! I know you want to set healthy boundaries in your life. This meditation will help you uncover (and embrace)your needs as well as begin to automatically set boundaries in a more natural and clear way.

3 min. Intro (conversational relaxation)

11 min. Relaxation Induction (longer relaxation for accessing subconscious on a deeper level)

8 min. Guided visualization and positive suggestions

 

 

 

 

 

Peace and Be Well,

 

Laura